January 8, 2018

Time To Gain Back!

Start Over!?

I'm a big believer that sometimes things happen for a reason. Whatever the situation is, it should make us stronger, smarter and wiser day by day. But we shouldn't stop there! In the last couple of months, I realized I can't take back the time that has passed, but I can manage to gain back the things I lost & gain a lot more. 

I find crazy and low key amazing how sometimes we as human beings, have to go through bad experiences to realized how wonderful the world is. Normally, I would say that there are three ways to make things happen in life. One, you can have someone else make them for you. Two, you can help someone else make theirs. Or three, you can make your own.  Unfortunately not too long ago, I found myself struggling between those three concepts. I had dreams  I wanted to achieve, but I also wanted to make someone's dreams come true and I wanted to be supported. At some point, I came to the realization that I wasn't part of that person's dreams, or neither they wanted my help or wanted to be part of mine. Though that person said at some point that they were being supported, when you lose mostly everything you had worked so hard for and they see you struggling with life and they take a step back and never want to talk to you or see you. I wouldn't call that support.

It came to a point that I blame myself for all the stuff that was happening in my personal life, my professional life and whatever I had with that person. But the moment I started to realize that person was starting to accomplish things I never knew about, started to basically being the person I never knew it was. It really got me to a moment that I asked myself, What am I doing wrong? All I wanted to do, was to be with that person, help that person succeed, but I also wanted some kind of motivation for myself too without having that person judging me or ruin my motivation when I finally shared my thoughts. I'm proud to say that I tried mostly everything to prove myself to that person, but I also tried the most to prove myself in being myself again. When either of those two things happen, I was called the bad person. No matter what I did, either for myself, or for that person, everything seemed wrong. Was I wrong? I expend so many days, nights, weeks, and months trying to figure out an answer, an answer that it was there the whole time but I was too blind to see it. The answer was there since the beginning, since the moment everything started. I was never gonna be enough for that person! But most importantly, it got the point that I wasn't even enough for myself. 

I lost it! I lost myself, I forgot who I was, I forgot who that person was, I forgot what I wanted.

I lost a lot in the last couple of years, more than a lot of people can imagine & I don't really talk about it because I try to not let it affect me. But little did I knew, it was! The moment I thought god brought an angel, I realized it really did. It wasn't there to physically help me, but to give me a reminder that I have things to get done. I have dreams to achieve and I forgot I did. I was paying attention to something unnecessary and I forgot about my own things. That's why I lost a lot of the things I worked so hard for, because I wasn't taken cared of them. I realized that I wasn't paying attention to those who were actually being the ones helping me and being there for me. The moment that person said that they didn't want me around anymore, I should've listen! That person was right, I should've stopped. I should've spend all that time that I blamed myself for trying to be someones right hand, or even trying to maintain something that I never got the change to be into being the personal that I wanted to be for myself. I won't lie, it took me a while to realized that, but when I did. I made the decision. It was hard! I knew that person was going to end up hating me, though I'm not too sure why because they made the first move. 

After I made the decision, I asked myself a question I never imagine myself asking. WHO AM I? And I knew only time would give me that answer, but the last time I recalled to be myself, was before that person came into my life. So I took off, where I left off. Taking care of myself, enjoy the things I enjoy doing, getting inspired by people and their world, learning new things and finally, embracing my talents, ideas and dreams. People will always judge, will always tell you to stop, and will tell you to just go. And all I will say is "I'm just getting started"! 


Perry Ellis 
White & Blue Shirt  

Express White Pants 

Aldo Eyeglasses  

Zara Brown Loafers 

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