May 10, 2021

I Want To Break Free

When the beauty of you becomes your own demon

I remember when I first flew to Las Vegas to celebrate my 21st birthday. Back then, I was single, never had a relationship before, I was at a high point in my career, and most importantly, the world had no limits. A few weeks later after coming home, I fell in love for the first time. Soon, I found myself in my first relationship. 

Years later, the relationship ended and left me not only heartbroken but also left me in a state completely different from how I was at the beginning of it. Qualities about myself were put against me, my likings on things and my future were put up in question and so much more. Took me a long time to get me together and understand that the qualities that once seemed as bad, were actually the qualities that make the best of me. 

Fast forward to last summer, I flew to vegas again to enjoy the weather, visit family, and etc. While at it, I met someone who I once found very interesting. Upon coming back home, you guessed it - I fell in love again, this time it felt a bit different but it felt good. Though it only lasted a few months, I was left feeling very similar to how I was left in my previous relationship. Some qualities about me were put against me, my lifestyle, my business, and even some sexual likings were put into question. But this time, I knew something was different just as I felt from the beginning. I was giving too much for so little effort. 

Being stuck again in my own head, feeling lost, not liking myself, and wondering what now? This time, I decided to not do it alone & started therapy to help ground myself again. It came to my attention the power I gave to those who I once thought their opinion of me mattered. Having them use that power to cover their mistakes over me and make their egos free of judgment brought me to a point of unnecessary guilt, self-hate and self-doubt. Though I'm happy at where I am today mentally and proud of the many accomplishments I've done so far, there's still work and many things for me to believe in.

For this editorial, I was inspired by the song "I want to break free" by Queen. Ironically, for some reason, this song was usually stuck in my head doing the time of my latest relationship experience. Sometimes your conscience really does know more than you think. Another fun fact, my two relationship experiences also ended with a white rose. White roses are my favorite and I give them to people when I find them special to me. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks of them that way, and no one up to this date has offered them to me besides me giving them to myself. After all the experiences, I still love white roses and they give me hope of someday feel appreciate by someone well enough as much as I appreciate the world and those around me. With that being said, I want to break free from all these demons running in my head and soon see the full power I have in my creativity, self-expression, and most importantly, love myself. 

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